Beth Pippin....Cancer

So I found out last week I have cervical cancer. Stage 1 there are 3 stages of stage one 1 visible under a microscope,1A1 might be visible and 1B1 visible to the naked eye. I have 1B1 and started radiation last week. 2 times a week I get internal radiation. They inject what they call radiation beads into the cervix and then once a week regular radiation. After the first of the year they will look at a hysterectomy. And I am kind of looking forward to that. All in all I have taken it in stride until Derek starts with his crap. Just today he sent a message saying "happy cancer" he has told me God has cursed me for my sins. Which is funny since just a few days before reminded me of all the women he slept while we were married! He also several times told me to go take my sleeping pills and vodka! The few people I have told that are shocked to know he said that. But truth of the matter is he was ALWAYS like that but I was the only one to see it. He is a very very angry man and hid it very well. I got the worst part of him while watching him give the best part to everyone else. But he was my husband and deep down i kept thinking he would change. But he hasn't, he ha a new married girlfriend but STILL trying to get me to sleep with him. But she doesn't believe it and that is on her. If she wants a man she cant trust she has a good one..But then Wynn isn't that trust worthy she is married and dating....what a pair. In the mean time I am dealing with cancer...watching my kids have to deal with their Grandma having cancer and not having to much time. That is heart breaking because as nuts as his mom was my kids as well as me love her very much and we have all been through to much death lately.
I have a small hand full of people who do actually care and then there are those that I hold close to me and see everyday that never even ask how I am or acknowledge it, they talk to me about their problems of dating and men....or things that seem petty to me. It is so hard for me to pretend like I care when they do not do the same in return. But I am learning the value of true friends and that I only need a handful and I will be fine. But if I don't seem interested in small things y'all know why now. My plate is full.
I pray every day for strength and courage. I pray my kids burdens will be lifted and they can go back to loving and living life with out the hassle of divorce and cancer and death. I am truly blessed to have amazing kids and watching them grow into young adults has been the most incredible journey.

Beth Pippin

Psalms 28:7 When You Need Protection from the Lord Remember The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him!

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beth Pippin

Happy Birthday!

My first birthday being single since I was 19! No big plans...I really don't want to do to much just sit and chill out. Maybe Survivor man am I excited. I hope that my last year in my 30's will much better then being 38! I have had a hard year. It seems that everyone I know and loved chose to betray,lie or not keep their mouth shut this year. Everyone except the kids and they are awesome couldn't ask for better. I have been thrown under the bus by his family and for so long I just pretended it didn't hurt and I would be fine. but the harsh reality of it is that they were my family and I loved them and no matter how many times they were asked to stop they wouldn't I became their punching bag and sure he "asked" them to stop but never enforced it. My kids even asked them to stop and they turned around and trashed them! My ex....well I learned he never really loved me the way he said he did! He quit me because I was never really what he wanted. His actions after the divorce have proved that. .SHE IS MARRIED and THEN take you r MARRIED girlfriend out to eat with my kids. Then my sister!! How is it ok for me to tell her things that she turns around and tells other people, including my daughter. The first time she did that I over looked it...Now her actions could have serious consequences. I don't get it. Why is it that everyone you love will hurt you...ESPECIALLY your husband the man you make a vow to love forever and he just quiets you. YES I shut down but when you go through almost a year of attacks how can you not. Did I handle it right NO but to quit! I guess the promises some make to God people think can be taken back. I DO NOT!

SO what I learned. No matter HOW many people betray you and NO matter how many people lie and gossip God will never leave my side he just waited on me to ask for help. The sad thing is I pray for D every night I pray he finds the peace he needs. I pray that when he does realize what a mistake he made it isn't to late. I pray he will choose the best path not only for him but his children. I pray he finds the love he thinks he didn't receive. BUT i know i have NO control over that. I know that I will remain strong and faithful to God. I will not let any man come between me and my relationship with God or my children! I will be the roll model they need. I will hold my self to a high standard and be proud for once of the decisions I make.

Forgiveness....that one is tough but with Gods Strength and love any thing is possible. I guess that is what is hard. I have been hurt. BUT one day somebody will love me! One day I WILL BE ENOUGH! Until then.....I will wait and be at peace. I will have no regrets. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!



PS SO today I got flowers from somebody and I don't know who it was!! The card was signed but it was hard to read.....I called the florist.....and they WONT TELL ME WHO IT IS...... who ever it was.....knew I loved tulips.

Healing and the unknown.

Once again I am faced with the difficulty of TIME...that is the worst four letter word I know, for those who don't know me well I am very impatient! This year has been a hurry up and wait and it is starting to get old..but I know it is for the best.
I am finally in a point where I can think about being happy. It has made my faith in God huge. He has placed the right people in my path at just the right time that it leaves me no room to question what he wants it is just the TIME I am having an issue with! I just dealt with the closure of the divorce a few weeks ago and that was difficult. Now is the fear of the unknown. How do I stand on my own two feet? Make my own choices and know that if I screw up and I in it alone. Of course we have friends and we have family but we don't have that bond! Nothing that says or feels like you are not in this alone, some say time will heal that..but I hate that answer!
I am trying to figure out how to go out and communicate as a "single" person. That feels strange. Talking to men is now flipped from what it use to be, you could flirt but it was not flirting because you are married. Now if I flirt I better be ready....it comes back and now what do you do?
I have many great people in my life...kids, family, friends both old and new. The new people are starting feel like home...starting to feel comfortable like I could see keeping them in my life forever! The sound of their voices and seeing their name on my phone makes me smile! In a selfish way it is because they are MY friends not "our" friends. If those newbies out there are patient then my wings will spread even wider and it will be worth the wait. Everything is just so new....but TIME will fix that to! I just have to hurry up and wait!

When it rains it pours! Beth Pippin

When it rains it pours! SO my grand daughter will be 3 years old on the 6th! She is so darn cute and it is hard to believe Annalysa will be three and all my kids are in their teenage years...i am getting old.

It has been a HARD two weeks. I felt the full effect of my divorce last week and I feel like at least half of me is missing. I have a huge hole where he used to be and sometimes i wonder if i will make it out of bed. BUT i don't have a choice.

I have to get up and face the world and all its good and bad.

Right now Derek's family is refusing to come to Annalysa's party because I will be there. It sucks she wont have the ones who love her around her because they are ashamed of their actions. or at least that is what I think. Any man who would physically touch a woman should be ashamed. Not real sure why Derrek's sister isn't coming it isn't like I care if she is there or not! I told Katy I would be glad to stay at home since I can see her any day and that way the others could go. Let Annalysa have a great birthday she wont know if I am there and she deserves a happy day. SO i had that to deal with

THEN.....Kiki got sick....she called her dad because his days are a little more flexible. Funny thing how nobody called me to say she was sick...Derek called the B%$ch of a sister in law. HELLO i am their mother why would you call her. Just another way to make me look bad. I doubt he did it for that purpose but still pissed me off!

THEN i get an email from my aunt. My grandmother isn't doing well at all. My grandmother has always been this vibrant incredible woman. And i KNOW i have not been out there enough AT ALL...she is really the last link to my mother I have and sometimes that is hard to face but I know i truly will regret not taking the time to go out there. A million times i have said "this weekend" and something would always come up,

SO with all that...Derek trying to figure things out...spinal taps....kids....grandkids....work.....being fat and anobody will ever want to date me....things are SOOOO hard....

SO I made it to the gym. OUCH...I think Julie should run a boot camp! Maybe i should have waited one day after my spinal tap to work out but i am always coming up with excuses NOT to go.....so I went.....It is a great way to clear your head, less time to think about things which is good....Did i ever mention I have great kids....they can tell i haven't been right lately and every time they say I love you I almost feel complete..Besides them and God loving me what else could I want or need? Derek! yes i would love to have him back in my life but he hasn't accepted the fact i have changed for the better. I am complete with our with out him but with him would be better. I have cleared my head of alot of negative that has been haunting me for years, i have now lived on my own (ok with a roomie) i have let so many of the old things go. I used to think i wasn't enough for him sexually and I now know that isnt the case he had the same fears!But he has moved on and I wont ever stop him from his happiness. I cant I love him to much to stop him from being happy. I do know now is Beth time. I have never put ME first...i have taken care of him for so long (and i loved it) but now it is my time to shine. I just feel guilty for being so excited about what ever my future holds.

Time

Time heals all wounds, give me some time, time is of the essence, take your time....well time is a bunch of KA KA....I don't want time i want the pain of betrayal to go away RIGHT NOW....how is it that somthing that happened 13 years ago can hurt...how do you get that out of your head....now the present.....how do you deal with the man you have loved for 23 years decides to date an old frined from high school.How do you move on...TIME I dont want time...but i guess i am suppose to feel the pain, i am suppose to feel the rejection when i asked for a 2nd chance he said TIME.....
BUT today i feel strong...i am rebulding my relationship with God and i know what kind of lifestyle i WILL live and which one i WONT.... it may not be easy to see him move on but I feel ok today...that will have to work. I have amazing kids to make me smile. I have an incredible room mate who keeps me focused and my new frineds at Divorce Care who let me just cry when i need to. ( just to clear up ON HUGE RUMOR...my room mate is nothing more then a room mate....some people seem to think we are "partners' sorry Julie your not my type)
I have truly learned who my frineds are and I may not have a ton of frineds just a couple will work...so time does not heal wounds, giving some one time will not work but prayer will. As i pray each night i have come to realize the shift in my prayers. I prayed for me and Derek for so long so hard that we would be able to make this work. Now I pray for God to give me the strenght to follow HIS path not the one I want. I pray for wisdom and Strenght for Derek that he will follow what God has in store for him.

Crazy Day's

Lately I have wondered exactly when the crazy days will stop and I will have a chance to breathe. We have been moving stuff from the old house to the new one now for 2 weeks. I have only spent about 2 nights in bed at my place. Getting up at 5 and on the go until 11 is starting to make me feel very old. When the kids were small I thought then that would be the most diffacult time and things would get easier. Boy was I wrong. Between work, the kids, moving, being a chaffaeur

Should have changed my name

I am once again amazed at the level that the ex family will go. How is it that I totally don't want Derek's brother around my kids because he was so stupid to show up on my doorstep and scream and yell throw a fit like a 2 year old, If that wasn't bad enough pushing me up against a car TWICE IN FRONT ON MY SON and Derek thinks it is ok to have him around my son? What the heck.Why would you want to man who had the balls to touch your ex-wife, the mother of your children in your home. I guess i am different. That is not the roll model I want for my son. But he had to come act like a belligerent idiot and make a fool out of him in front of my son and the neighbors. SO bad that Derek had to physically push him into his car and tell him to leave...Well that is not what i want my children exposed to...Austin and I maybe out looking for apartments this weekend just so Austin doesn't have to be there living around the corner from him and his wife..thank goodness i dont have to worry about the girls they are so busy that they are never home. And hopefully they already know that it is NOT ok for a man to touch a woman for ANY reason...and they know i will ALWAYS make sure that doesnt happen to them even if the rest of their family accepts it. I guess keeping my name was easiest because i always want to have the same name as my kids but damn they make it so hard to be a Pippin in THAT family! they all gossip and point the finger at me yet NEVER look in the mirror NEVER hold themselves accountable and NEVER thank of anyone but them selves. I know for dang sure if Derek and acted like tat in front of their boys he would NEVER be welcome back around them.HEY PIPPINS GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
THANK GOODNESS FOR THE WEEKEND!

TGIF.....a week of accountablilty....freedom!

What a long week....and so ready for this weekend. I am thankful for so many things. My kids, for one. I wonder if I will ever see Lane' between working and trainer stuff and driving she has to sleep sometime girl. AND you have to put gas in your car when the gage tells you to! :) McKenzie what a social butterfly you are and you know everyone loves you...but decide WHO and what is important and hint...dont ever have Lane's friend pretend to be me....doesn't work out for you to well. Austin has grown so much this year it is nuts. I am so sorry you had to see somebody you loved and respected go nuts the other day and I pray you NEVER take that as acceptable behavior. Katy is spreading her wings just wish you were not so afraid. if you fall you will always be able to get back up! Derek i know your not a kid but WOW what a week. I know you have been through alto i know that the ordeal Wednesday was nuts. We both know he did not come over there to talk to me, i was attacked from the get go. Never is it acceptable to put your hands on a woman and i hope that Austin doesn't see somebody he loved and respected do that and think it is ok. You know I did not raise my voice and you know I did not touch him. YES I flicked my smoke at him but ONLY after I was pushed into my car. through all of this they have ALL talked about me traded stories so much that they dont know what is true and what is not. They all believe I started that when all I did was come out to "talk" he NEVER wanted to talk.....he wanted to scream and yell and PUSH...UHHH NO. Not ONCE have they held themselves accountable...i guess she forgot when she told you that talking about me in front of my kids was a bad idea...how the same story she told you and i heard from other people was the exact same story i heard from Kiki and Katy...but NOT once did I get an apology...not once did the rest of your family jump on her. NOPE.....Cyber trash.....I guess she doesnt think i see what she wrights...I said nothing more to MY daughter then what she said AGAIN accountability. I have NEVER been fake if I say it on here i will say it to your face. i have the same great friends i have had since i was 12 they will tell you I have not changed and i do not put on a front. and i am REAL. I DO NOT pretend to be something I am not. I am real so if they want me to stop..... they need to. I was nice enough to let kids back around them but they will NOT be around bad examples. i.e. liars and men who choose to put their hands on woman. I wonder if he would have done that had his boys been out there. BUT it is ok to do in front of Austin. I should post a picture the TWO huge bruises i have on my arm and the one on my back and he is worried about a pair of pants..Derek I told you the other day I would stop on the FB but of course she didn't but this was the last time trash needs to be in the trash can where it belongs. I will tell you this and you can pass it along and this is the only one I have ever asked you to pass along (if you read this you may not) if he EVER touches me again. It will be one of the last things outside of jail he will do! if ever needed the police incident report is in my desk at work.
So this weekend will be stress free! short of getting the kids ready for school I will say as they get older it does get easier getting ready for the first day of school. It is sad to think that is a short 9 months my Lane' will be done I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS YEAR! Take it all in and it will be one of the best!
When my friend told me to blog to get things off my chest I thought it was so freaking stupid. It is nice to know that I can vent here and don't have to worry about the bs of fb. Maybe I will cancel my thing...they are not worth it! That disgusting behavior will not kill my joy because I have the world at my feet and it is a great new feeling and I get to move forward. BEST thing THEY ARE NOT MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOO HOOOOOO best feeling ever.......... I AM FREE...

Sometimes we need to be goofy!

Last week was a long week! Friday night Austin stayed the night with me he was really ready to play with Beasley. We ran by the farmers market picked up some potatoes and then to the house. After playing with Beasley for a while ate watched a movie and thought we were going to bed but I needed Julie to redo my eyelashes. Next thing it is midnight and Julie practicing her make up artist stuff on Austin. She gave him one heck of a black eye. We had so much fun. I forget sometimes it is OK to just let your hair down and be silly/goofy. Really something i need to work on.

Divorced

Allot of people were not aware that Derek and I divorced. I am not real sure why we kept it quiet for so long but as the word is getting out we are finding that most people are just shocked. I will try to clear up as many questions as I can with out getting into all of this to deeply. First and foremost we have both done the best we can at keep our kids happy and as settled as possible. We are so blessed to have great kids and they have been amazing.

Derek did file for divorce. It was not unexpected or surprising. Our divorce was final 05/05/09 happy cinco de mayo! We did not have attorneys and we did not argue over anything. We have joint custody of our children and they stay in the house Derek and I shuffle around them. I stay there when he works or wants to go out and he stays there the rest of the time. We would have much rathered moved around them then to have them be shuffled or forced to make a choice so far it has worked out well.

I live with a friend Julie and I am blessed to have her in my life, our meeting was a total act of God putting us both in the same place at the same time. She was also going through a divorce and needed a room mate and it just worked out. Derek will be selling the house and is moving into one a few miles from me and Julie which will make it even better for our children.

Now to clear up any and all rumors that we have both heard!

Neither Derek or I had an affair. Honestly neither of us has the time for that. We were both very loyal and faithful during our 19 years of marriage..

Neither of us is gay! PLEASE anyone who knows us should never have to ask. Several people have questioned on if I moved in with a female because I "crossed over" UH no.....and I promise that is not even a concern with Derek! I think after having 5 kids we would never have to address that issue.

Neither of us EVER asked people to choose who they wanted to be friends with or who they needed to be loyal to. Some of our friends have chosen to do that but that was their choice not ours. As far as family goes. Mine is pretty much cool. Rebecca even spent the 4th of July with Derek and his family while I just chilled out. His on the other hand has chosen to rake me over the coals and has cost them their relationship with him and that is sad. His sister and sister in law have been a constent source of pain for him and seem to think it is ok to talk to my children about me even going as far as to tell them I had an affair. Maybe before casting stones they should look deep into themselves and leave me alone.

I really cant tell you why the divorce happened execpt that we never really spent much time together the last couple of years and just grew apart. We still remain very close frineds and talk several times a day. I do hope that clairfys as much as possible. I apologize for those of you that didnt know and found out by accident. We have learned who our frineds are and what family really means. We are both also blessed to have great kids and a handful of friends that did stay loyal..............................Beth