SO I made it to the gym. OUCH...I think Julie should run a boot camp! Maybe i should have waited one day after my spinal tap to work out but i am always coming up with excuses NOT to go.....so I went.....It is a great way to clear your head, less time to think about things which is good....Did i ever mention I have great kids....they can tell i haven't been right lately and every time they say I love you I almost feel complete..Besides them and God loving me what else could I want or need? Derek! yes i would love to have him back in my life but he hasn't accepted the fact i have changed for the better. I am complete with our with out him but with him would be better. I have cleared my head of alot of negative that has been haunting me for years, i have now lived on my own (ok with a roomie) i have let so many of the old things go. I used to think i wasn't enough for him sexually and I now know that isnt the case he had the same fears!But he has moved on and I wont ever stop him from his happiness. I cant I love him to much to stop him from being happy. I do know now is Beth time. I have never put ME first...i have taken care of him for so long (and i loved it) but now it is my time to shine. I just feel guilty for being so excited about what ever my future holds.