So I found out last week I have cervical cancer. Stage 1 there are 3 stages of stage one 1 visible under a microscope,1A1 might be visible and 1B1 visible to the naked eye. I have 1B1 and started radiation last week. 2 times a week I get internal radiation. They inject what they call radiation beads into the cervix and then once a week regular radiation. After the first of the year they will look at a hysterectomy. And I am kind of looking forward to that. All in all I have taken it in stride until Derek starts with his crap. Just today he sent a message saying "happy cancer" he has told me God has cursed me for my sins. Which is funny since just a few days before reminded me of all the women he slept while we were married! He also several times told me to go take my sleeping pills and vodka! The few people I have told that are shocked to know he said that. But truth of the matter is he was ALWAYS like that but I was the only one to see it. He is a very very angry man and hid it very well. I got the worst part of him while watching him give the best part to everyone else. But he was my husband and deep down i kept thinking he would change. But he hasn't, he ha a new married girlfriend but STILL trying to get me to sleep with him. But she doesn't believe it and that is on her. If she wants a man she cant trust she has a good one..But then Wynn isn't that trust worthy she is married and dating....what a pair. In the mean time I am dealing with cancer...watching my kids have to deal with their Grandma having cancer and not having to much time. That is heart breaking because as nuts as his mom was my kids as well as me love her very much and we have all been through to much death lately.
I have a small hand full of people who do actually care and then there are those that I hold close to me and see everyday that never even ask how I am or acknowledge it, they talk to me about their problems of dating and men....or things that seem petty to me. It is so hard for me to pretend like I care when they do not do the same in return. But I am learning the value of true friends and that I only need a handful and I will be fine. But if I don't seem interested in small things y'all know why now. My plate is full.
I pray every day for strength and courage. I pray my kids burdens will be lifted and they can go back to loving and living life with out the hassle of divorce and cancer and death. I am truly blessed to have amazing kids and watching them grow into young adults has been the most incredible journey.
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