Friday, November 20, 2009
Beth Pippin
Psalms 28:7 When You Need Protection from the Lord Remember The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beth Pippin
Happy Birthday!
My first birthday being single since I was 19! No big plans...I really don't want to do to much just sit and chill out. Maybe Survivor man am I excited. I hope that my last year in my 30's will much better then being 38! I have had a hard year. It seems that everyone I know and loved chose to betray,lie or not keep their mouth shut this year. Everyone except the kids and they are awesome couldn't ask for better. I have been thrown under the bus by his family and for so long I just pretended it didn't hurt and I would be fine. but the harsh reality of it is that they were my family and I loved them and no matter how many times they were asked to stop they wouldn't I became their punching bag and sure he "asked" them to stop but never enforced it. My kids even asked them to stop and they turned around and trashed them! My ex....well I learned he never really loved me the way he said he did! He quit me because I was never really what he wanted. His actions after the divorce have proved that. .SHE IS MARRIED and THEN take you r MARRIED girlfriend out to eat with my kids. Then my sister!! How is it ok for me to tell her things that she turns around and tells other people, including my daughter. The first time she did that I over looked it...Now her actions could have serious consequences. I don't get it. Why is it that everyone you love will hurt you...ESPECIALLY your husband the man you make a vow to love forever and he just quiets you. YES I shut down but when you go through almost a year of attacks how can you not. Did I handle it right NO but to quit! I guess the promises some make to God people think can be taken back. I DO NOT!
SO what I learned. No matter HOW many people betray you and NO matter how many people lie and gossip God will never leave my side he just waited on me to ask for help. The sad thing is I pray for D every night I pray he finds the peace he needs. I pray that when he does realize what a mistake he made it isn't to late. I pray he will choose the best path not only for him but his children. I pray he finds the love he thinks he didn't receive. BUT i know i have NO control over that. I know that I will remain strong and faithful to God. I will not let any man come between me and my relationship with God or my children! I will be the roll model they need. I will hold my self to a high standard and be proud for once of the decisions I make.
Forgiveness....that one is tough but with Gods Strength and love any thing is possible. I guess that is what is hard. I have been hurt. BUT one day somebody will love me! One day I WILL BE ENOUGH! Until then.....I will wait and be at peace. I will have no regrets. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
PS SO today I got flowers from somebody and I don't know who it was!! The card was signed but it was hard to read.....I called the florist.....and they WONT TELL ME WHO IT IS...... who ever it was.....knew I loved tulips.
My first birthday being single since I was 19! No big plans...I really don't want to do to much just sit and chill out. Maybe Survivor man am I excited. I hope that my last year in my 30's will much better then being 38! I have had a hard year. It seems that everyone I know and loved chose to betray,lie or not keep their mouth shut this year. Everyone except the kids and they are awesome couldn't ask for better. I have been thrown under the bus by his family and for so long I just pretended it didn't hurt and I would be fine. but the harsh reality of it is that they were my family and I loved them and no matter how many times they were asked to stop they wouldn't I became their punching bag and sure he "asked" them to stop but never enforced it. My kids even asked them to stop and they turned around and trashed them! My ex....well I learned he never really loved me the way he said he did! He quit me because I was never really what he wanted. His actions after the divorce have proved that. .SHE IS MARRIED and THEN take you r MARRIED girlfriend out to eat with my kids. Then my sister!! How is it ok for me to tell her things that she turns around and tells other people, including my daughter. The first time she did that I over looked it...Now her actions could have serious consequences. I don't get it. Why is it that everyone you love will hurt you...ESPECIALLY your husband the man you make a vow to love forever and he just quiets you. YES I shut down but when you go through almost a year of attacks how can you not. Did I handle it right NO but to quit! I guess the promises some make to God people think can be taken back. I DO NOT!
SO what I learned. No matter HOW many people betray you and NO matter how many people lie and gossip God will never leave my side he just waited on me to ask for help. The sad thing is I pray for D every night I pray he finds the peace he needs. I pray that when he does realize what a mistake he made it isn't to late. I pray he will choose the best path not only for him but his children. I pray he finds the love he thinks he didn't receive. BUT i know i have NO control over that. I know that I will remain strong and faithful to God. I will not let any man come between me and my relationship with God or my children! I will be the roll model they need. I will hold my self to a high standard and be proud for once of the decisions I make.
Forgiveness....that one is tough but with Gods Strength and love any thing is possible. I guess that is what is hard. I have been hurt. BUT one day somebody will love me! One day I WILL BE ENOUGH! Until then.....I will wait and be at peace. I will have no regrets. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
PS SO today I got flowers from somebody and I don't know who it was!! The card was signed but it was hard to read.....I called the florist.....and they WONT TELL ME WHO IT IS...... who ever it was.....knew I loved tulips.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Healing and the unknown.
Once again I am faced with the difficulty of TIME...that is the worst four letter word I know, for those who don't know me well I am very impatient! This year has been a hurry up and wait and it is starting to get old..but I know it is for the best.
I am finally in a point where I can think about being happy. It has made my faith in God huge. He has placed the right people in my path at just the right time that it leaves me no room to question what he wants it is just the TIME I am having an issue with! I just dealt with the closure of the divorce a few weeks ago and that was difficult. Now is the fear of the unknown. How do I stand on my own two feet? Make my own choices and know that if I screw up and I in it alone. Of course we have friends and we have family but we don't have that bond! Nothing that says or feels like you are not in this alone, some say time will heal that..but I hate that answer!
I am trying to figure out how to go out and communicate as a "single" person. That feels strange. Talking to men is now flipped from what it use to be, you could flirt but it was not flirting because you are married. Now if I flirt I better be ready....it comes back and now what do you do?
I have many great people in my life...kids, family, friends both old and new. The new people are starting feel like home...starting to feel comfortable like I could see keeping them in my life forever! The sound of their voices and seeing their name on my phone makes me smile! In a selfish way it is because they are MY friends not "our" friends. If those newbies out there are patient then my wings will spread even wider and it will be worth the wait. Everything is just so new....but TIME will fix that to! I just have to hurry up and wait!
I am finally in a point where I can think about being happy. It has made my faith in God huge. He has placed the right people in my path at just the right time that it leaves me no room to question what he wants it is just the TIME I am having an issue with! I just dealt with the closure of the divorce a few weeks ago and that was difficult. Now is the fear of the unknown. How do I stand on my own two feet? Make my own choices and know that if I screw up and I in it alone. Of course we have friends and we have family but we don't have that bond! Nothing that says or feels like you are not in this alone, some say time will heal that..but I hate that answer!
I am trying to figure out how to go out and communicate as a "single" person. That feels strange. Talking to men is now flipped from what it use to be, you could flirt but it was not flirting because you are married. Now if I flirt I better be ready....it comes back and now what do you do?
I have many great people in my life...kids, family, friends both old and new. The new people are starting feel like home...starting to feel comfortable like I could see keeping them in my life forever! The sound of their voices and seeing their name on my phone makes me smile! In a selfish way it is because they are MY friends not "our" friends. If those newbies out there are patient then my wings will spread even wider and it will be worth the wait. Everything is just so new....but TIME will fix that to! I just have to hurry up and wait!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
When it rains it pours! Beth Pippin
When it rains it pours! SO my grand daughter will be 3 years old on the 6th! She is so darn cute and it is hard to believe Annalysa will be three and all my kids are in their teenage years...i am getting old.
It has been a HARD two weeks. I felt the full effect of my divorce last week and I feel like at least half of me is missing. I have a huge hole where he used to be and sometimes i wonder if i will make it out of bed. BUT i don't have a choice.
I have to get up and face the world and all its good and bad.
Right now Derek's family is refusing to come to Annalysa's party because I will be there. It sucks she wont have the ones who love her around her because they are ashamed of their actions. or at least that is what I think. Any man who would physically touch a woman should be ashamed. Not real sure why Derrek's sister isn't coming it isn't like I care if she is there or not! I told Katy I would be glad to stay at home since I can see her any day and that way the others could go. Let Annalysa have a great birthday she wont know if I am there and she deserves a happy day. SO i had that to deal with
THEN.....Kiki got sick....she called her dad because his days are a little more flexible. Funny thing how nobody called me to say she was sick...Derek called the B%$ch of a sister in law. HELLO i am their mother why would you call her. Just another way to make me look bad. I doubt he did it for that purpose but still pissed me off!
THEN i get an email from my aunt. My grandmother isn't doing well at all. My grandmother has always been this vibrant incredible woman. And i KNOW i have not been out there enough AT ALL...she is really the last link to my mother I have and sometimes that is hard to face but I know i truly will regret not taking the time to go out there. A million times i have said "this weekend" and something would always come up,
SO with all that...Derek trying to figure things out...spinal taps....kids....grandkids....work.....being fat and anobody will ever want to date me....things are SOOOO hard....
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
SO I made it to the gym. OUCH...I think Julie should run a boot camp! Maybe i should have waited one day after my spinal tap to work out but i am always coming up with excuses NOT to go.....so I went.....It is a great way to clear your head, less time to think about things which is good....Did i ever mention I have great kids....they can tell i haven't been right lately and every time they say I love you I almost feel complete..Besides them and God loving me what else could I want or need? Derek! yes i would love to have him back in my life but he hasn't accepted the fact i have changed for the better. I am complete with our with out him but with him would be better. I have cleared my head of alot of negative that has been haunting me for years, i have now lived on my own (ok with a roomie) i have let so many of the old things go. I used to think i wasn't enough for him sexually and I now know that isnt the case he had the same fears!But he has moved on and I wont ever stop him from his happiness. I cant I love him to much to stop him from being happy. I do know now is Beth time. I have never put ME first...i have taken care of him for so long (and i loved it) but now it is my time to shine. I just feel guilty for being so excited about what ever my future holds.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Time
Time heals all wounds, give me some time, time is of the essence, take your time....well time is a bunch of KA KA....I don't want time i want the pain of betrayal to go away RIGHT NOW....how is it that somthing that happened 13 years ago can hurt...how do you get that out of your head....now the present.....how do you deal with the man you have loved for 23 years decides to date an old frined from high school.How do you move on...TIME I dont want time...but i guess i am suppose to feel the pain, i am suppose to feel the rejection when i asked for a 2nd chance he said TIME.....
BUT today i feel strong...i am rebulding my relationship with God and i know what kind of lifestyle i WILL live and which one i WONT.... it may not be easy to see him move on but I feel ok today...that will have to work. I have amazing kids to make me smile. I have an incredible room mate who keeps me focused and my new frineds at Divorce Care who let me just cry when i need to. ( just to clear up ON HUGE RUMOR...my room mate is nothing more then a room mate....some people seem to think we are "partners' sorry Julie your not my type)
I have truly learned who my frineds are and I may not have a ton of frineds just a couple will work...so time does not heal wounds, giving some one time will not work but prayer will. As i pray each night i have come to realize the shift in my prayers. I prayed for me and Derek for so long so hard that we would be able to make this work. Now I pray for God to give me the strenght to follow HIS path not the one I want. I pray for wisdom and Strenght for Derek that he will follow what God has in store for him.
BUT today i feel strong...i am rebulding my relationship with God and i know what kind of lifestyle i WILL live and which one i WONT.... it may not be easy to see him move on but I feel ok today...that will have to work. I have amazing kids to make me smile. I have an incredible room mate who keeps me focused and my new frineds at Divorce Care who let me just cry when i need to. ( just to clear up ON HUGE RUMOR...my room mate is nothing more then a room mate....some people seem to think we are "partners' sorry Julie your not my type)
I have truly learned who my frineds are and I may not have a ton of frineds just a couple will work...so time does not heal wounds, giving some one time will not work but prayer will. As i pray each night i have come to realize the shift in my prayers. I prayed for me and Derek for so long so hard that we would be able to make this work. Now I pray for God to give me the strenght to follow HIS path not the one I want. I pray for wisdom and Strenght for Derek that he will follow what God has in store for him.
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